Month: July 2020

08/07/2020

How To Spot A Self Centred, Egotistical, Narcissist

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF AND BEING A SELF-CENTRED, EGOTISTICAL, NARCISSIST

Wheeeewwww, no holds barred on that title, then?
 
Let’s go back almost four years. I started working with someone who is all about “being true to yourself”, “follow your own path”, and “if people don’t like it, that doesn’t mean anything about you, it means something about them, so ignore it”.
 
I needed to hear that. I needed permission to believe in myself and do what I thought was right. It was so good to be in among people who believed that they had a right to speak up about whatever they felt the need to and do what they felt was right to them.
 
But there was always something that didn’t feel right about it all, I felt a little icky, and I put it down to having suppressed my own desires and feelings for so long after being a stay-at-home mum for a decade or so.
 
The thing I’ve come to realise lately is that I am actually really clear about what’s acceptable to me and what’s not, and how it occurs for me is:
 
WOULD I ACCEPT THAT BEHAVIOUR FROM MY CHILDREN?
 
IF NOT, WHY NOT?
 
Once I look at from that perspective, it’s much easier (though it may take me a little while to work my way through it! I need a child to discuss it with!).
 
Like I’ve said on any number of occasions, I am all for doing what’s right for you and following your own path.
 
HOWEVER,
 
We all live in the world together and I believe that the best basic rule for life is to treat others as you like to be treated.
 
If your behaviour has a negative impact on someone else, DON’T DO IT.
 
This isn’t about what someone would make your behaviour mean or anything like that, it’s more along the lines of don’t steal from someone, don’t cause actual pain to someone, don’t do something that you wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of yourself.
 
Follow your own path, but do it with respect, for yourself and others.
 
Don’t mock others or make them wrong for the path they’re on.
 
Follow your path with kindness and compassion, being true to your own values.
 
You don’t need to yell “F@#% you, I’m doing it my way! And if you don’t like it, I don’t want you in my tribe anyway” at every opportunity,
 
Or tell everyone how amazing you are for doing that and how you don’t care what other people think because they’re obviously intimidated by you.
 
That’s childish and immature, and smacks of playground politics.
 
It’s a teenager who hasn’t yet truly found out who they are.
 
Because once you do find out who you are and you do feel comfortable with yourself, there is NO NEED to call anyone else out for where they’re at (she says, calling people out for their bad behaviour! 😂😂🤷‍♀️).
 
I know any number of people who have an online business where they shout about how they’re going to be themselves regardless of what anyone else thinks and encourage their followers to do the same thing (there’s such an oxymoron in that statement!).
 
I also know any number of those same people, the really loud ones, are very, VERY different in person and are also clear that they have a persona, a character, that they bring out for their online business…
 
But hold on, isn’t their business is based upon teaching people how to be themselves? When they’re a different person offline to what they are online? There’s a little bit of hypocrisy going on here, methinks.
 
They’re not actors or comedians or radio presenters who have created a persona for the entertainment of their audiences.
 
These are people who are preaching about something that they don’t actually practise themselves. Not fully, anyway.
 
Being yourself doesn’t mean you shout “SCREW YOU!” every five minutes to someone who’s trying to contribute to you. Most of us got over that in the 70’s with the Sex Pistols. Been there, done that, and grew out of it, sorry.
 
Shouting “Screw you, I’m going to do it my way!” is basically a tantrum.
 
I wouldn’t accept that behaviour from my kids because it’s not in alignment with their core values, it’s as simple as that.
 
You can be yourself without shouting about it from the rooftops, and telling everyone how cool and different you are.
 
That’s narcissistic and egotistical.
 
It’s pure attention-seeking behaviour.
 
And there is nothing unique or individual about it: teenagers have been doing exactly that for thousands of years.
 
I’m sure there’s more coming about this topic because I’m not quite clear yet! 😂😂 But I’ll leave it there for now.
 
What are your thoughts? Is this one of the things that keeps you from sharing online or makes you feel uncomfortable? What do you think about this whole individuality/follow your own path thing? Let me know 😘💕
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07/07/2020

What To Do When People Spew Hate Filled Rhetoric

I’M REALLY UPSET

 
Well, more disappointed, maybe a little heartbroken. I’ve certainly had any illusions that I may have held shattered.
 
The posts I put up yesterday about people posting half truths and lies came off the back of the actions of a particular person, one whom I admire and who’s done a lot for me personally.
 
Which is why I initially unfollowed and didn’t unfriend them.
 
I am so grateful for everything they’ve done for me and it takes a lot for me to turn away from / against someone because I’m basically a very loyal person.
 
I’m also a firm believer in live & let live. If you want to hold some religious or political views that I find completely weird, that’s your choice. I’m not you, I have no right to tell you what’s right for you.
 
If you ask my opinion, I’ll give it, but it will be something along the lines of “do what you feel is best for you right now. As long as it’s not causing anyone else any harm then trust your instincts.”
 
What you choose to do may be completely out of alignment with me and, if so, we’d probably naturally drift apart, but that’s your path (and mine).
 
If you want to go down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole, that’s your choice: good for you, enjoy yourself.
 
If you want to change your religion and become a nun / monk: good on you, go for it.
 
If you want to join a political party and become an MP: excellent, glad you’ve found something you’re passionate about.
 
But the minute you start telling me what I can and can’t think,
 
The minute you start telling me how stupid / deranged / passive observer I am for not seeing what you can see,
 
The minute you start creating division and scare mongering…
 
…Is the minute I turn around and walk away.
 
I don’t want anyone in my life who thinks that bullying and coercing people into agreeing with them is okay.
 
I don’t want anyone in my life who is sowing hatred and bad mouthing people who can’t / won’t respond
 
And I particularly don’t like it when people bring GOD into the equation and use God as a tool for denouncing anyone who doesn’t agree with them.
 
For the people I know who have disappeared down the conspiracy theory / racist / political rabbit hole and are quietly getting on with their lives while trying to change things for the better as they see it,
 
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You act with respect and love.
 
It’s the ones who are spewing their fear-filled rhetoric and inciting others to hatred that I have an issue with.
 
Thanks to one of my friends for helping me get clear on this. You know who you are. 😘💖
 

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04/07/2020

What To Do When You Don’t Fit In

I’ve rarely admitted this outside of my close family and friends because the whole world LOVES Oprah and they get pretty rabid when I say there’s just something about her that I don’t like. II don’t know what it is, I just don’t like her.
 
And yes, I know I’m totally weird and maybe that has something to do with it.
 
Every time I say to myself, “oh, maybe I actually should just ignore all those icky feelings I get when I watch her and just like the woman like the rest of the world does”, something happens to stop me doing that, as it did yesterday.
 
And let me just say right here that I know how much of a difference the woman has made in the world and I applaud her for that. I just don’t like her on a personal level, that’s all; you know, when you get weird vibes about someone and you can’t put your finger on it? There’s no rhyme or reason, you just know that it wouldn’t go well if you tried to create any kind of relationship with them. It’s that feeling.
A few weeks ago, a friend put me onto a book called The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. Oprah credits this book as being pivotal in her life. She and Maya Angelou wrote forewords for the book (if you’re interested in reading it, head on over to the Book Shop on my website and buy it through there, earn me some brownie points and maybe 5c from Amazon 😁) and it is indeed groundbreaking.
 
Unfortunately, I also find the book as boring as reading Eckhart Tolle. Amazing guy, really mind blowing things to say, sends me to sleep in about 5 minutes when I’m reading his stuff (and less when I’m listening to him talking (Eckhart, that is. Haven’t listened to Gary Zukav yet)).
 
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John, however, has found his new guru. He LOVES the book (I got it in Audible for him, which you can also get through the Book Shop on my website and you might even earn me 10c if you buy that one 😁) and he also loves quoting bits of it to me, which is great because it saves me reading it myself. 😊
 
I was trying to explain to John yesterday how I’m finding that being calm and peaceful maybe isn’t for me – I feel like I’m flat lining – and John quoted something that he’d heard on Oprah’s podcast when she was talking to Gary Zukav.
 
You can tell from the tone of voice that this isn’t likely to go well for John, can’t you? 😂😂
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Gary Zukav was talking about this stay-at-home mother of three who had one child who was particularly challenging and constantly attention seeking. When this mother went to yell at her child, she should actually pause for a moment, seek guidance from her soul and allow love to flow through. If she did that, she wouldn’t yell at her child, she’d hold them, and deal with them only from a space of calm, peaceful love.
 
Hmm. Is that right?
A childless woman and a childless man telling a mother what’s she’s doing wrong and how she’s going against her soul when she yells at her children?
 
No judgement there, then. No sanctimony, either.
 
Also, let’s point out that there’s ZERO understanding and ZERO personal experience.
 
I’m doing a podcast about this because it’s something that I want to look at in depth. This kind of arms-length judgement does no one any good, least of all the people being judged.
Particularly not when it’s a judgement on something that people have dedicated their lives to, are constantly trying their best at and striving to achieve perfection, and who would who would happily throw themselves under the bus to save the people they’re caring for.
 

That’s not to say we’re all perfect and don’t need to learn anything, but the other thing that comes up for me here is, there’s no room for individuality: you do it a certain way or it’s wrong.

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Any full-time parent will tell you that kids push them to a point where they lose their sh*t. Only then do the kids stop pushing.
I always, ALWAYS explained things to my kids, in depth and several times. Ryan said yesterday that I only started yelling when i) they hadn’t listened multiple times, ii) they’d continued to do something despite being asked not to, and iii) they knew they were doing something they shouldn’t. Or they were in danger; then I’d start yelling instantly.
What are your thoughts on this?
 
PS Images of Oprah and Gary Zukav courtesy of www.seatofthesoul.com and Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sessions

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